New Friends ...and Harsh Reality

I want to introduce you to my first new friends in New York. Karin is on the left and Sarah is on the right (with the fur hood).

They are both lieutenants in the same area as Nathan - medical service, the support system behind the doctors, dentists, physical therapists, etc. They also both spent the same six weeks at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio that Nathan did, so he knew them before we all moved here. So far, we've made a few shopping trips to Syracuse and we have a Sunday lunch tradition at Cracker Barrel. Nathan and I got our apartment first, so for a while I cooked for the group of us. Now that Nathan has deployed, they've had me over for dinner a few times. It's good fun :-) They also have a great apartment in the Village of Sackets Harbor overlooking Lake Ontario. I'm sure I'll talk about that again.

You may think that this was a weekend ski trip to some far-away place. *Sigh* No such luck. All of that snow could be found five minutes from my apartment. That day, there were huge wet snowflakes falling, and I hadn't worn a hat. It was freezing. My hands went numb several times. I once again realized that we're not in Kans - *ahem* Mississippi - anymore...

Thanks for sharing the picture, Karin!

Sisterhood

Emblem of 1st Brigade Combat Team, 10th Mountain Division

Today was the first time I met the other spouses of the 1st Brigade Headquarters officers. I guess officially it's named the "Officers' Spouses' Club", but realistically it's the old-school Officers' Wives' Club. I'm sure there are men who could be included and would be welcomed, but what man really wants to go to brunch with 25 married women? All the ladies were very welcoming and were happy to explain to the newbies what was going on. Being new to all this, I can already see how all the wives support each other - especially during deployments. I received no less than three personal invitations to different women's houses for coffee, a shoulder to cry on, or whatever else I needed. The brigade commander's wife (REALLY important woman - she heads up the family support for the 3900 soldiers in the brigade) gave each of us a poem called "Sisterhood." I can't find the author's name, but I'd like to share it with you.

"Sisterhood"

I am an Army wife - a member of that Sisterhood of women who have had the courage to watch their men march into battle and the strength to survive until their return. Our sorority knows no rank for we earn our membership with a marriage license traveling over miles or over nations to begin a new life with our soldier husbands. Within days we can turn a barren, echoing building into a home, and though our quarters are inevitably white walled and unpapered, we decorate with the treasures of our travels for we shop the markets of the globe. Using hammer and nail, we tack our pictures to the wall and our roots to the floor as firmly as if we had lived there for a lifetime. We hold a family together by the bootstraps and raise the best of brats, instilling into them the motto, Home is Togetherness, whether motel or guest house, apartment or duplex.

As Army wives we soon realize that the only good in Good-Bye is the Hello again. For as salesmen for freedom our husbands are often on the road leaving us behind for a week, a month, an assignment. During the separation we guard the home fort existing till the homecoming. Unlike our civilian counterparts, we measure time not by age but by Tours - married at Knox, a baby born at Bliss, a promotion in Missouri. We plant trees and never see them grow tall. Work on projects that are completed long after our departure and enhance our community for the betterment of those who come after us. We leave a part of ourselves at every stop.

Through experience we have learned to pack a suitcase, a car, or "Hold Baggage" and live indefinitely from the contents within and though our fingers are sore from the patches we have sewn and the silver we have shined - our hands are always ready to help those around us.

Women of Peace, we pray for a world in harmony, for the flag that leads our men into battle will also blanket them in death. Yet we are an optimistic group, thinking about the good and forgetting the bad, cherishing yesterday while anticipating tomorrow. Never rich by monetary standards, our hearts are overflowing with a wealth of experiences common among those united by the special tradition of military life. We pass on this legacy to every Army bride, welcoming her with outstretched arms and love and friendship from one Sister to another, sharing in the bounty of our unique fulfilling Army way of life.

Saying Goodbye: Take 2

If you weren't there the day in May that Nathan left for LTC (when he went to Kentucky), I'll just go ahead and tell you that there was a lot of crying involved. To Lindsay's credit, I think most of the hysterics were mine. Looking back, I really don't know what I was so upset about. I never went more than six weeks without seeing Nathan for a weekend, and I had to do that only twice. But of course you know what they say about hindsight.

One of the things that I remember Nathan's mother telling me about being an Army wife is that when your husband leaves, you have to keep it together. Last May was a miserable failure in that department. I have been promising myself ever since that next time, whenever that turned out to be, I would do better.

Next time turned out to be today. It was supposed to be in April, but the Army tends to not think about the delicate feelings of Army wives when making last-minute changes in plans. As long as there were still weeks between me and Nathan's deployment, I could push it out of my mind and avoid all the business details, the power of attorney, the figuring out what to do with his truck, how to contact specific offices on post for things. Nathan came home Friday afternoon and told me that we had six days to get things in order. That definitely threw a wrench in all my plans to avoid the inevitable.

In those six days, I kept getting this familiar panic feeling. What it reminded me of most were the exam weeks during sophomore year of vet school - this terrible thing is bearing down on you and you have to survive it somehow, but you can't figure out how to delay it no matter what you do. I tried staying up late to make the days seem longer (Makes sense, right? If you don't go to bed, the day isn't over...), but that just made me tired. I tried pretending each day was a normal day, but time seemed to fly anyway.

Once I realized there was no point in trying to pretend today wouldn't come, I had to start fighting off The Meltdown. I can't remember if I had one before Nathan was actually leaving last time, but I was determined I wouldn't have one this time until after he left. He's had enough to worry about. Like going to Afghanistan. I developed some pretty effective tactics, too. First, you might as well go about your day like it's a normal day. There is no point in histrionics. Second, once the business things are taken care of, keep discussions about deployment simple. Do not think, let alone say, things like "I don't know how I'm going to make it." or "What will I do without you?" These are overly dramatic, and why make your soldier feel guilty for leaving? He doesn't want to leave you, but he has to. Don't make him feel bad about it. Third, under no circumstances should you entertain the thought that he will not be coming back. Unless, of course, you want to have a psychotic break in the next 12 months. Will it cross your mind? Definitely. Should you immediately change your mental channel? Absolutely. Fourth, do not start crying or you won't be able to stop crying. When you feel tears coming on, think of something happy and hold your breath for a few seconds. This prevents uncontrollable sobbing. Once the urge to fall apart subsides, take a slow, deep breath. This got me through the last week, and most importantly, it got me through this morning. You don't have to manage to look happy. You just have to not make a fool of yourself in public.

I know how ridiculous all that sounds to an outsider. But if you ever find yourself putting your better half on a plane with body armor and guns, and praying he never needs to use either, you may appreciate the advice.

Now, If you'll excuse me, I think I've earned myself a good cry.

Welcome to the Army!

I finally completed my AFTB Level 1 class scheduled through ACS. Make any sense to you? No? Well there's a reason I've been here over two months, and I'm just taking this class. Don't worry, ladies. If you're a new or soon-to-be Army wife, you'll want to keep reading. Save yourself the headaches I've had. If you're not and never will be an Army wife, you might want to take a glimpse into our world.

I've been trying to decide how to arrange this post so that it's actually useful for some of you. I think I'll start at the beginning. I mean when you get home from the honeymoon, here is what you'll need to do, and in approximately this order. I'll give you the acronym, followed by the meaning in parenthesis. After a while, you won't remember or care what all the letters stand for. You'll just know them. When you first get to a post, you'll get bombarded with a ton of papers, brochures, and folders of information (at least they DO give you a local map in there somewhere - that's been useful). I've tried to narrow it down to the things that I think are most important.

Get enrolled in DEERS (Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System). This puts you on record as a dependent of a soldier. He'll have to add you to TriCare (health insurance) and life insurance separately, but you have to be in DEERS first.

Once you're in DEERS, get an ID card. You'll have to go with your husband to get it, so make him get all the paperwork. I'm sorry, but at this point it's been nearly two years since I've done that part, and I just don't remember how it went. You will not want to lose your ID card under any circumstances. It's your passport to get on and off post, proof to back up your health insurance card, and to make purchases at the commissary and PX (Post Exchange - those are the tax-free grocery store and tax-free department store, respectively). ID cards can be replaced, but it is much much much more difficult than getting a new driver's license. I think the police have to get involved. Just don't lose your ID card.

Your husband's unit's FRG (family readiness group - spouses and friends of the soldiers) should be giving you a welcome call to offer guidance on what to do next. Mine didn't so I was a bit lost. You'll definitely want to get plugged in with them, though. In case you slip through the cracks, you'll need your husband (or fiance) to get the names of your FRG leaders (usually the spouses of a senior officer and a senior enlisted soldier) and their contact information. Another term you might hear is the FRSA. The FRSA (Family Readiness Senior Advisor) is a paid civilian that is sort of the liason between the unit's commander and the FRG. He or she helps insure accurate and efficient flow of information between the two.

In any case, once you talk to the FRG, they should be able to point you in the right direction for whatever services you need on post. There is income tax filing assistance, free (and off the record) counseling, a thrift store, all kinds of things you may not know about otherwise.

Now that you have your ID card and can get on post without your husband, the first place you should find is ACS (Army Community Services). They are the ones that run or coordinate most of the spouse support services. They can help you with federal/on-post employment, as well as helping to direct you to other services. They host a "lending closet" for families that have found housing, but haven't received their belongings from the movers yet. The lending closet has folding tables and chairs, sleeping mats, pots and pans, and other simple household goods.

Another service ACS offers are the AFTB classes (Army Family Team Building). There are three levels. I've just finished the first one. It would be helpful if you're brand new to Army life. The class covers a lot of the services offered on post, as well as some basics of Army life and traditions.

The other major thing I haven't really talked about is housing. It varies so much from post to post that my experience here won't be very helpful. My best advice is to call as far in advance to see what your post's housing situation is. If you need to be on a waiting list, get on it as soon as possible. If the housing is very limited like it was here, you may want to make an advance trip to find a house or apartment so you can be sure to get a place you really want to live. You'll be glad you did.

This post wasn't that long, but it feels overwhelming to me - and I'm the one who wrote it. If you need any help please just ask me. I'd be happy to help you get through whatever it is.